Dear J-Lo:

How's it going? I used to sort of hate you. I mean, I loved you in Out of Sight. You and George were smoking hot and you have a great ass. But then the whole Ben thing happened. You know, when you guys loved each other and then you put him in that stupid video for the song whose hook you stole from the Beatnuts, and Ben kissed your ass (like literally) and then you made him get tanned and polished and seemed to suck his soul. And then you totally went to a Red Sox game with him and were photographed filing your nails, unlike that new Jennifer who seems to glow when at Sox games. And then you guys (thankfully) broke up and then you married poor, emaciated Marc Anthony. And you made a lot of very shitty movies. Like a ton. And wore some really ugly clothes. So anyway, your new MTV show Dance Life kinda kicks ass. I've always kinda wanted to be a dancer, you see. And these kids are all bitchy and hard bodied. The gay dudes are total bitches (which, of course, is the only kind on tv). And one kid is dating a freaking Pussycat Doll. And they cry and diss each other. And then they dance for you and Marc (who seems very excited to be there. It was nice of you to include him). There was even a freaking Fame-style dance interlude, meant to show how introspective and deep the dancer is. So keep it up, Jenny, even though I know you are totally not still from the block. And don't think I've been fooled by the rocks that you've got.

Love Joanna

P.S. Please feed your man. He looks pale.